How to Raise an Independent Adult

triplet baby shirt

Goodbye 2014, welcome 2015! 2014 has been quite an adventure for me, and frankly it’s an exhausting one. Many things have already happened. But most of all, the best thing that ever happened to me is the introduction to three little babies (well, technically, it’s three little fetuses) inside their mommy’s tummy, which is happened to be my wife. Yes, she’s expecting triplets! I have shared this information ambiguously on Facebook, but I want to open the announcement now. She’s now in for four months. It has been ups and downs and problems, but right now, everything is okay with the pregnancy. I hope everything will be okay until the labor, because I’m so excited for them. We have been very careful for them this time. I don’t want to lose them again like the first pregnancy, where my wife lost her 1 month pregnancy last year. So, please pray for me guys. 🙂

Now that we’re talking about triplets, yes I know the future will be a hard path, having three little babies at the same time, crying at the same time, feeding them at the same time, and triple the cost of everything. But above all, I consider this as an honor that God trusted me with triplet at once, instead of one at a time, and I want to be thankful for all the gift God has given to me. And I hope I can update this blog more often to tell the story of my parenthood and the children in the future. I hope that would be an awesome way for them to know my way of thinking once they have been grown up. I’ll try to record my thought in this blog, and probably some of their future photos. I’ll let them know that even before they’re born, we the parents have already thought about them so much. This kind of reflection is always kinda lost in the process of life, and the children will never know that. So, for this first post in 2015, I will start with my personal note for my future parenting. I love to learn about philosophy and psychology, and parenting actually my most favorite topic on psychology. I’ve quite looking about parenting tips for months, well, even years, before I even married, so I hope you guys can get something from this too. This time, let’s talk about how to raise our children so that they can be an independent adult.

How to Raise an Independent Adult

Parenting means not raising children, but raising future adults. So many parents done this wrong, and their children becomes a spoiled king or queen and took everything for granted, which will be very bad for their future. So you have to keep in mind that they need to be proper independent adults, not overgrown children who keep dependent on you. And that means:

1. Mean what you say, and say what you mean, even if it’s unpleasant for you and them. Once you say no video games on school day, that rule must be applied whatever the situation. Once you say no ice cream today because of their health issue, they mustn’t get ice cream today, no matter how much they cry for that. Children will obey you more if you are consistent, and that in turn helps you to shape them into better persons. Let them know that there’s no other choice than being a better person.

2. Let the children do their house chores. Teaching the children to do the chores, instead of do it by yourself, is actually more exhausting. Many parents do all the house chores by themselves not because they don’t want their children to suffer, but because they need to double the effort from teaching the children how to do the chores, and still get the chores done. But the result will be worth it. All the pride because the children can do something on their own will boost their confidence. Actually, the more the children involved in house chores, the more they will have good manner outside and inside home. And no money reward involved in house chores.

3. Let the children understand that it’s normal to putting effort for something they want. There are no shortcuts. Well, maybe there are, but mostly, shortcut only available when seen from the right angle, and to have the right angle, they will also still have to work for it. So there’s nothing wrong with putting some effort for it. It’s a common thing. They mustn’t allergic to work their butt off.

4. Let the children know that there’s nothing too complex that would be impossible to be done. There’s nothing too complex of fixing a car that we should stay away from it. There’s nothing too complex of cooking that we should avoid it. Children should learn how to do everything using their hands, that with their hands there’s nothing can’t be accomplished, so they will grow depending themselves on it, instead of depending on you, or always running to you whenever they have problems.

5. Punish them for their fault. Hard. But remind them that even in the punishment session, this serve to make them a better person, and you do this only because you love them. My mom always said to me, “If I were the pedicab driver’s son, she wouldn’t even mind to told me anything when I do any mistake.” Punishment brings uneasiness to both sides, as the Bible said, but after that, there’s a hidden treasure you’ve given to your children if you do it right. Teach a youth about the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

This link below inspire me to wrote this article.

So, do you have your own tips for parenting? Please put it in the comment section below.

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Truly Important Wisdom

Thanks dad

Maybe some of you notice that these days I post many new posts, whereas I’ve left this blog on dust for more than 2 months. I don’t know why, but I just feel I have more juice inside me to write more often, as I found that writing is energizing, but at the same time, sips my energy away. Nowadays, I feel I need to write something when I see something good, instead of just retweet it or share it over the Facebook. These days I just feel some melancholy feeling that I’ll always feel when I’m about to face a big change in life, and that can lead me to writing, or pull me away. I listen instrumental with melancholy tunes more often (but melancholy doesn’t necessarily means sad). I still can’t say what big change it is, but I truly hope it’s for good.

And which it feels like a perfect time to contemplate a little about teaching that my dad often gave to me when he’s still here. No, it’s not what you think. He is still here, but very far away from home. So, my interaction with him is now limited and greatly reduced. Even though there are technology like Facetime and Skype, it just doesn’t feel comfy to talk with it. Usually it’s my mom who spend a great deal of time to talk with my dad over the Facetime. I just joined them some times.

This picture reminds me that sometimes what each of our dad teach is probably not what we like to hear at the time it’s given, but when we have clear our head, usually we can starting to see what he really means. When I see myself, usually I found that I’m too cocky to listen to his argument. I feel that I already know everything, and I doesn’t need any advice from anyone. But the truth is, when I feel too cocky, it’s usually because I know I’m wrong or something is not right, but I’m too eager to let it go. I act cocky just so that he won’t push me any further, because if he pushes any further, I know that I will lost in the argument. The problem is, at the time the argument take place, my mind and my heart was so locked on to the thing(s) that I was hold on into, whether that is thing, or bad habit, or anything. And usually we started to understand what our father said when it’s almost or even already too late.

My biggest trap is that I’m too easy to fall into comfort zone, wherever I am. I’m too easy to feel contended with what I have in life. Whereas my papa wants me to be a “bloodlust” tiger, always feel unsatisfied, always strive for more. In the Myers-Briggs type personality indicator, I have INFP personality, which shortened to “Idealist”. But one thing that I realized when I see on the result, is that I tend — well, “tend” is underrated here — I go to a GREAT LENGTH to avoid conflicts whenever possible. And I say, it’s very true. Sadly, sometimes, to do something that’s a little out of my style is also considered as “conflict” for my subconscious mind. His advice that I always remember until now is that sooner or later, the time will catch up to me. And that is also true. But I just can see what he say about when I already experience it, when my ego is not clouding my judgement and reasoning. This is one thing that keep conflicting in my life until now. But it’s a good thing that he still let me discover everything by myself, not shoving anything down my throat.

Well, I guess that will wrap up something for today. May this serve as a reminder that we may not see things the way it is supposed to be now. But when the time come, we will be thankful to our earthly father of his most valuable heritage to us: his wisdom. Thanks dad.

Whether We Realized It or Not

A few days ago, I’m going with my friend to visit his ill mom.

I’ve just prepared to meet someone in a bed, with a lot of tubes and wires attached to her body. I’ve just prepared things to ask, words to say, and prayer to pray. I’ve prepared myself. Well, at least that’s what I think.

It turns out that I’m not prepared enough at all. We arrive on a house where people “a little different than us” live. I thought these people are just another inhabitant, and his mother is taken care somewhere in this house. Then a woman came and greet me. We are looking for my mother, my friend said. Alright, just sit down, and I will call her down, she said, and then left us. We sit, and see people passing by near us. Mostly womens. One standing near me and staring with empty looks. One sit at the chair faraway, and also staring at me. Another one besides her busy with her activity. And another one coming, try to shaking my hand. I replied her handshake. This is my mom, my friend suddenly said. Continue reading

我要回家 (Wo yao hui jia – Aku Ingin Pulang)

For English version of this article, click here.

Bagaimana perasaanmu bila kamu tidak pulang selama bertahun-tahun?

Hidup bertahun-tahun di luar kota, maupun di luar negeri, pasti tidak pernah terpikir oleh kita. Kalau bisa, seumur hidup kita, kita tetap tinggal dekat dengan orang-orang yang kita cintai, dan yang mencintai kita. Tapi ada kondisi-kondisi yang memaksa kita untuk tinggal jauh dari mereka, misalnya pekerjaan kita.

Bila kita menikah, kita pun juga terkadang harus meninggalkan rumah orang tua kita, dan tinggal di sebuah rumah sendiri bersama pasangan kita. Namun kita pun masih sering mengunjungi rumah orang tua kita, untuk sekedar menyapa, ataupun untuk melepas rindu.

Namun yang masalah adalah bila ada orang yang meninggalkan rumah oleh karena pilihan.

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我要回家 (Wo yao hui jia – I want to go home)

Untuk versi bahasa Indonesia dari artikel ini, klik di sini.

How do you feel if you haven’t coming home for years?

We all have never thought even a bit about leaving home, stayed so far away from the one we cared and care for us. But because of the condition that forces us to work out of the city, even out of the country, we can’t live in the ideal world that we thought we will live.

There’s also some who leave home because of the stage in his or her life. When they’re married, eventually they should (but not always) moving into new home to develop their families in a healthy state. But they still, from time to time, visiting their home town, to the place where they used to belong.

And there’s also some others, who leave home because of their choice.

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Waiting For an Expensive Death

Maybe this is not a really cheerful post, as this post reflect what I felt. But I got many lesson for this session. This post will talk a lot about death and graveyard, so if you don’t feel like it, please skip and don’t read it. But if you still want to continue, well then, let’s move on.

Not even a month after my grandmother’s relatives from my dad’s bloodline is deceased, now my grandfather’s relatives from my mother’s bloodline is following at May 10, 2011, at age 85. Unlike the previous funeral, this time, my family had to take care of the funeral problem because she is not married, she was living in my home, and she’s actually my late grandfather’s little sister, the last surviving member of the “Tan” siblings. My sister was the one who very close to her. I said “was”, because she’s now living in foreign country. I’m not that close to her, but I do have some random talking with her, and even buy her some of her favorite breads.

It’s at 8 o’clock in the night that my mom was going to change her diaper. She’s usually change her diaper at 10, but today she suddenly changed it at 8. And suddenly I heard an unusual exclamation tone, “Honeyyyyy! Grandma Tate is gone!” Tate is our nickname for her. For the sake of simpleness, let’s call her that from now on. It’s very weird, because my housekeeping was feed her at 6, and she’s still fine. But I guess that’s the best for her. She’s been tortured long enough in her condition. Now she’s in better place.

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A Session with Parents

I forgot when was the time I and my parents got involved in a serious discussion. I do still communicate with them, but not in an extensive way. But from time to time, we do have a serious and two way conversation. Tonight is such an exception. Because I’m free tonight, we go to a restaurant together. On the way there, my dad drove the car to the gas station. While he filled the car, I talked to my mom. Actually, I was planning to say this for some time, but never got a good chance. I suddenly think, it’s now or never, because never is something that actually can be happen when seeing my hesitation.

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By Martin Tjandra Posted in Family